The Pedestal

If you ever feel that you will never find another person as good as the one you found before, I have one advise for you.

Meet new people.

Go out there and meet new people because you’ll realize that you put that person into a pedestal of perfection. That he/she is the perfect one and as unique as a snowflake. That meeting that person is as rare as galaxies colliding.

But man, just… meet new people and you’ll realize that that person’s character exists in someone else. That he/she is not so one of a kind after all. When you meet new people, you’ll realize that the person you’ve put into a pedestal is a dime a dozen.

Emotional Surge Suppressor

Recently, I have been experiencing bursts of sadness at night when reading/studying. They are present until to the point of crying. I have cried indefinitely until who knows what time and that has put me to sleep.

Thankfully, after waking up, I feel fine.

My fear is that my body will be immune to this temporary cure of crying myself to sleep and that after waking up, I will still feel horrible. Worse, I might break down while I am at the office.

My objective is at the very least, when all of this is finally over, someone will read this blog as if this is the last remnants of a civilization. Like an archaeological finding in the midst of a desert. I should update this more frequently as this is but a shoebox of dust in the whole desert rather than a ‘civilization’.

Regrets part 1

If I die today, my regrets would be the following:

1. Taking up a difficult course when I could have just been lolly-gagging in college. I’ve always thought that having a difficult course means that it will have higher pay or greater benefits than the rest of my friends. nope. My friends and I had the same salary who had more manageable (still not very easy) courses than mine.

2. Being too involved in extra-curricular activities in high school and in college. I had this high school philosophy that “if it is difficult now, it will be easy later”. nope. I was wrong with that one as well. You see, I didn’t ask myself before “is it worth it?” and that could have made a difference. The extra-curricular activities involve hours of meetings after school, training (not certified training), weekend activities telling you to be more responsible or be a leader or be good to other people.

None of those things were actually accounted during my career. None!

What I saw that made a difference is Academic Excellence.

People who got high grades and were top scorers in national licensure examinations got the higher pay and are more likely to be hired by the best companies in the country.

Public speakers, teachers, graduation speeches usually tell you the opposite. That people who are more active in extra-curricular activities are more likely to get hired than people with high grades and are not active. This is incorrect.

Think of it logically, how many students are active in extra-curricular activities versus how many are A-listers in their batch?

There would be dozens of active students versus a handful (maybe two handfuls) of students with 3.0+ GPAs!

3. With number 2 in mind, I should have just focused on joining organizations that are fun for me or at the very least, academically inclined. There are no academic organizations back in our high school. I could have asked the teachers to create one. Maybe a science club, math club, or computer club (not that we have the most advanced computers back then). It would have been more fruitful or less regrettable if that was the case.

4. Telling this girl I like her. This ended up cutting our friendship and ties with our common friends. I’ve always thought like this: “It’s better to know that the answer is ‘no’ than forever wonder if it could have been a ‘yes’, for what’s the worse that can happen?” Of course! Of course! who would have thought that what you hear in speeches and TV and movies are wrong!? Of course! NOT!

The feeling of being trapped and alone and being looked at funny by her friends, looking at each other, whisper and look back at you. THAT IS WORSE THAN FOREVER WONDERING!!!!

If I can go back in time and fix any of my regrets, I would choose this one. I will stop myself from telling her my true feelings. This is more worth it than the first three. Maybe not in terms of total hours wasted on this but the feeling… Oh, the feeling… If only I can forget about that feeling…

I know I have more… I just can’t put them to words yet… I have labelled this as “part 1″… to be continued

Personal Time

I always liked being around people. When I was a kid, I’d call my friends up to play a 2-player game, basketball or biking. That changed when I borrowed my first ever role playing game, Legend of Legaia. I was absorbed in the story and I don’t want to mess it up. So I call my friend every now and then whenever I’m playing the RPG. It felt amazing. As I grew older and played more RPGs, I felt like I want to be playing role playing games forever. However, due to homework and other required extra curricular activities, this has been put to a halt.

On that day, I promised myself this will only last until my last day of school.

I was dead wrong.

After I graduated, I needed to take review classes for my work license. The classes were unforgiving as much as the examinations. I spent a good 7 months in a study-sleep cycle until I got my license. In this stage, I don’t have any money as well as the economy where I lived was skewed. Students can’t work part-time and get the money to buy original video games, computers or pay their own tuition.

After a few months of work search, I thought to myself “I’m going to work 40 hours a week, earn money and play games all the time”. Never have I been so wrong. The work requires a lot of overtime (payed so it’s a little ok) but still, there was no time for myself. I quit after 2 years in it.

Now, I am employed again. However, I had to shift to a different area in my field and requires another licensure exam. I am so frustrated that this scenario never ends. That I am nearing my 30’s and I still can’t just work and play.

I’m thinking of just working below the education I took. Compute the minimum amount of salary to live alone and have Internet, a console and games, and apply for a job that will not go past guaranteed 40 hours a week.

I just want that feeling of wanting to wake up one morning so I can play games again. That feeling of looking forward to end the school day to plug in your Playstation and be lost in the gaming world.

I know that creating games is different from playing games and competitively playing games is different from leisurely playing games. That’s why I didn’t apply for a game developer/game tester kind of work.

About me

I have several friends who I hang out with. However, I don’t use them as a medium to express emotions. I consult them regarding problems and am hoping to receive recommendations in return. They are problem solvers as I am to them. I don’t want to express my emotions to them as these are not problems to be solved. However, I do still want to express them and I am looking forward to using a blog to serve that purpose. These posts will mainly be sad or angry or frustrated or confused. I will try to throw in some happy and funny moments here and there.